My istikharah prayers and my path

Tonight there is not much to write except for I will pray istikharah sunat prayers for a few night to seek answers ... for my future and the right thing to do... I have been afraid to do this prayers for the past few months.. Afraid for the unknown.. This entry is to remind me and to tell myself not to be afraid anymore. Questions like must I put up with other people's handphone with password while mine is always available to be looked at...?? Everyone wants happy ending.. but mine still bleeding and I think I have grew stronger over the past few months..Allah is fair what goes around comes around.. There is no need to hide anymore... No rosy pictures in my blog. Its meant for the truth.. aka transparency.. I am not a saint neither I am the devil.. but I pray always.. I don't pretend... I wear clothes sometimes a little sexy does not mean I lost direction. I think about god every time. Can we claim we are muslims and forget our foundation for being a muslim? Can we judge other people negativity while we ourselves not perfect.. ?? Can we ask for forgiveness in the morning of syawal and hands to shake taken away just in a jiffy? We can only try our best and hope for the best... Syawal come and syawal goes.. Does it only for visiting and getting duit raya?? Isn't it for forgiveness..? Then why is my heart still bleeding? I don't have the answer to that.. maybe the prayers will show me the path... Amin

My defeat and the road to greater things…

Today happy news and sad one was announced. Somehow, I felt defeated and constrained. I was wondering, what is to become of myself? To a certain extent my freedom is somewhat nonexistent. Maybe, I am being melodramatic here due to a sad song being the background while I am writing this entry.. (Sayangnya harapan yang selama ini ku bawa hancur berkecai semuanya.. belum sempat ku curah kasihku.. kau pergi jua.. setelah cintaku ini membara.. belum sempat kucurah kasihku) Oops don’t get me wrong I am saddened since my godfather passed away last Sunday. My beloved Cikgu Ridhwan who was my shoulder to cry on when my father passed away… Weeks and weeks of counselling for me. Those who knew me back then knew what a wrecked teenager I was. Zaini, Faridah, Lan Mi, Che Det, Izzat, Adlan, Raja Ahmad and Kak Ina knew my transitions. How hard it was for me to get in terms with father’s death.. Weeks and weeks of crying and panadol pills as well…..

Now , the only person I am proud to call dad who had able to change me and other teenagers (The wild ones- we often break every rule there was in school- including ponteng sekolah- The only thing I did not try get hooked on was smoking..) is gone. It is already written in (I forgot the Arabic term) everything that lives will eventually go.. Can I get over this one so easily.. I doubt so.. Nothing is easy.. I was asking myself didn’t I pray for his well being.. I was told that he had mentioned me and friends a few days before his passing and that he missed us. I had promised myself to visit him that Sunday but it was too late. He looked fragile and thin and it broke my heart to see him that way. I am too absorb in my own problems ..too blind to see that he needed me like I always needed him. For him, I am still his 15 year old student.. He used to ask questions like 1/0 is how much…??? You will get many answers like 0 or 1.. I remembered only Izzat was able to answer – The answer to that question was infinity.. maybe Raja Ahmad was able to answer (he joined the tuition centre later). These people used to be in Math quizzes and competition. Not to forget, Mafeitzral and Surina among the geniuses I know. Haniza may have not mention your name here although you got best student during your varsity final year. I always admire smart people and the way they solve mathematical problems like eating chocolate mud pie..Yummy!! Which reminds me to get some tomorrow night. Hahaha..

We use to hang out in the tuition centre back then which was located as the same row as the 7-eleven back in 1990’s. I go there in the morning and only comes home at night.. I live and study there. The tuition centre was a second home to me.. Later when we were hungry we hang out at the ‘mapele’ . I was really motivated to study and improve myself to prove to others that I was not a total failure… The place made me forgot my personal problems and kept me going… Faridah and I used to exchange stories and latest gossips… (I was in Sri Aman Girls School and she was Damansara Jaya Secondary School). Lots of great memories and promises was exchanged there.. All the time he was there to lead us…. I felt valued and given a new direction.. I know many others felt the same as I do..as we were not prefects of the school.. we were not the glamorous group. Some of us was on the verge of dropping out from school but we did not.. Instead we focus on being better. One of the function I participated was poetry recital at the Dataran Merdeka an activity organized by ABIM. We were happy.. Faridah was happy..Zaini was too. Lots of talk of becoming an entrepreneur back then.. Now he is one… I have great respect for him. This people are real friends and real friends are very hard to find nowadays. We will be bonded till we are old.. We are proud to be part of the group. The only regret is we did not have time to be with him. We were his golden era his golden product.. Back then, many boarding school and MRSM students will come and take tuition classes during our semester break.. Classes were enjoyable and laughter can be heard. If I could turn back time and redo things .. maybe things would have been different… But I could not….. More regrets……. I believe that what goes around comes around.

I feel like I am an orphan again. I know I promise to myself to stop crying but losing a father again makes me vulnerable all over. Makes me want to jump from the highest building.. makes me angry at life….Why him? With so many bad news happening to me why him why not me.. I am tired with life.. frustrated with life.. no more high expectations.. But there must be some greatness in every tragedy.. Where is mine? What is the next bad news? With my kidney sometimes like being kicked at or pinched I may take things as they come.. I missed him already and terribly.. Life can be unfair and cruel sometimes.. I am still waiting for the silver lining but not with high hopes.. I guess I have to redha with what is happening around me. Too many sad stories and not enough love song to tell the story.. here we go again.. We are not doing Nora Roberts here.. Though I have not touched a romance novel since May cause I don’t believe in any of it and so does a friend of mine. If this is as good as it gets lets just enjoy and pray.. What is success without failure.. All in all is part of the learning curve.. There is no ceteris paribus. No fixed value. Everything is interdependent variable. That is why we cannot tell what is the future in front of us.. Ever wonder whether one day you will get to be a CEO of a company.??. I know I have.. Maybe one day that path to greatness I will be able to reach that dream… I know Allah listen to me .. The things I asked for to have insight of things .. I have witness and saw things that I wish to see.. That is how great Allah the Almighty.. It is worrying to witness the revenge state of the heart… I only ask that those who have sweetly promise me things but did not deliver will be shown the right path. The right path will show us of being humble, sober, patient, and love… Also be careful of what you wish for.. As for now it is getting late.. and I have not done my prayers.. will blogg more next week with pictures of me and family..

Allah will give me strength to survive and I will face this world with a greater dignity everyday of my remaining life onwards…Goodbye my father, my strength, my will.. May come new greatness and happiness…Amin…Al-Fatihah.. may Allah bless his soul… He will be in the heart many others who was once and forever his students.. One of its kind.. No replacement… no comparison…and still learning everyday…Mumtaz…





Masih ku tak dapat melupakan segala,
Kau yang masih di hati,
Tidak terdaya melidung darimu,
Setelah kau pergi,
Tidak ada apa di hati ini

Namun kau tak mengerti
Apa yang sebenarnya terjadi
Pada diri ini,
Tidak terdaya melindung diri
Semoga kau aman di sana
Di dunia yang kekal
Setelah kau pergi
Tiada apa di hati ini.

Berdosa aku kerana lalai,
Berdosa aku kerana lemah,
Akan ku cuba ubah
Tidak ada apa di hati ini

Masa telah terbeku bagiku
Tiada pilihan bagiku
Redhaku kau pergi
Diriku pasrah akan ketentuan ini
Tidak ada apa di hati ini…

Janganlah ku dihukum begini
Hanya doa yang terdaya
Tapi takkan lemah lagi
Tidak ada apa di hati ini..

Masih ku tidak dapat melupakan segala………….
Kasih mu abadi
Begitu juga cintaku
Ingatanku
Masa kan sudah terbeku
Jiwaku…

Zidani oh Zidani

Zidani oh Zidani,
Why do you scream?
Is it because you are frustrated?
Or simply you are angry?

Zidani oh Zidani,
When you are not screaming,
You mumble words that I coulnd't understand,
mayhap you are trying too hard..

Zidani oh Zidani,
don' scream my dear,
Then he will get angry,
You gonna get some my dear..

Zidani oh Zidani,
when you smile you are the sweetest,
I love you so,
often told you take after me,
so emotional and unstable...

Zidani oh Zidani,
How I pray everyday,
You will talk normal,
And be as happy as any kid would be..

Zidani oh Zidani,
Whoever hurt you hurt me too,
I only pray for the better
A future for you too.

My hectic day in Aeon

Today my department had a sales line meeting This was for 5 hours. Not to mention my department morning briefing.. All representatives from all Jusco stores were present. After that meeting, I met 4 other suppliers whom design i had to try on to reconfirm it s all in size M. Performing my new job is quite fun. You get to be imaginative.. i get to try all these new clothes still work in progress and sometimes you feel like a model (a short one I guess) . Today I tried on a seaville concept for my Lifestyle collection. It made me feel like a Spanish senorita. The pattern of the fabric was different and I felt stunning. Then there was this M size pants with floral belt and spaghetti strap with lace on it. I guess it was very sexy and different when I walk past the discussion room all eyes was on me. But I had too cause my manager Cherry was half dead today after taking flu medicine and was a bit blur. I on the other hand was trying to convince the supplier the m size was a bit tight while Grace the supplier was continously telling me I was a 'lang loy'. Overall i tried 10 wardrobe today and not just trying Cherie also wanted to know whether i like what I try and whereever the cutting was out the supplier has to make alterations. In short , in this line I don't thnk I can afford to put on weight or I will not be able to check and confirm sizes. The best thng about Cherie she is very into cutting and details and often happy whennever I fell in love with her designs. i hope to catch up fast and have my own designs soon. Currently she considers some of my opinions on the colours. I also realise that now I cannot stick to one image or my imagination will not run into assortments.

By the time all this ended I was in a hurry to break fast with a friend name Zaza. She just said hi and we went to buy nasi dagang and nasi kerabu.. We ate in the pantry while I left my bag in my drawer. I also had to qada' my prayers as i had missed my Zohor and Asar.Being so tired and exhausted had forgotten to change my ringing vibrating ringing tone to a normal one. Thus when Raidi called I did not answered and he was angry at me.

The moral of today's entry is that I should have brought my handphone together in case of any emergency. Negligence can cause problems. To Raidi, I will call you in the future if I am running late will try to pick up the phone at all times...

I thought I wanted to finish my work but I was too upset to do so. Guess it was my own fault. Future I need to be more organised.

Don't get me wrong here.. i love my new job but I just hate the meetings and paper work.. hahahah. Nothing is perfect..

A poem for you my dear:-
Don't be angry,
At your mummy,
I am only human,
Who may take a wrong turn.

Forgive me please,
Or my joy will cease,
Don't make me worry,
Oh please, please, please.

A tribute to him, family and friends...

When I was sick:-

Never got to thank him for taking care of me. Buying panadol in the middle of the night and offering to care for me when my fever was really bad shows that he is after all a kind person. On my third day of fever and my urine already mixed with blood, at three o'clock in the morning he brought me to the clinic ; only to be given an injection to let me sleep. Two days later, I was diagnosed with urine infection plus kidney infection. It was painful back pain and high fever. I thought I was gonna loose my kidney due to stupidity and foolishness. I let my problems to influence the way I live. Worrying all the time about other people till I neglected my self. In any peoblem in this world you can cry out to family and friends. Bottom line is at the end of the day, only you can help yourself. Depression is my problem. No drugs can cure that. My sister said to me to start living. Mum told me to love yourself first, then only others can love you. Easier said then done. I am stuck in my own shadows and fears that sometimes I forgot Raidi still needs me; Zidani can't even talk in full sentence, eventhough his vocabulary has improved. Mother said that she is going to have a heart attack if I keep falling sick. After coming out from the hospital my back pain come and go. It was the right side previously and now on the left side. I guess I have to be careful with my kidney now.

In one of my outings with my sisters to Kl; they kept teasing me " huhhuhhuh...crying sounds' They threaten me if I keep having this sad look on my face they will boycott me. It was the best get together three sisters who used to fight all the time- It made me realised that this tragedy of mine has brought us together closer. They told me I have become this weak woman pining over things and has stop living. Let me rephrase that pathetic, paranoid woman and has lost her self confidence. It has been shameful to me when it takes my younger siblings to make me realise how I was wasting my time.. Even they are whole lot stronger than me.. My mother in law saya i have a weak emotional quotient (my spelling may be off here).

I hardly laugh nowadays.. i used to laugh loudly even in the cinema and he used to kick my feet from underneath..

Coming back to the whole idea of this entry, I just want to express how much I appreciated him; my hubby took care and helped me when I was sick. Also met a kind woman named Huda who has a blood disorder syndrome. She has lighten my life and often make sure there was enaough blanket for me as most of the time in the middle of the night I was shivering sick.. and all hell broke loose.. crying to the nurse for pain killers only to be given panadol... painkillers bad for kidneys (now i know).

I would like to thank Mafeitzral for his visit. Haniza also came later and ate my Delifrance meal and a two way counselling session transpired.

Getting sick also means lots of food. Aunt Huda is in the business of catering and every night she will make sure something nice for me for dinner. She treated me like her own daughter. I fell in love with her immediately.

Even as i am making this entry my right waist starting to feel pain. May be this ordeal has not ended yet.

I have to stop mourning for myself. I have to stop loosing appetite according to my current feelings. I have to live again. I pray that my soul will find peace. Peace of mind is what we often taken for granted unless it is not there anymore.

I also pray my life would be a long one. Right now I have only started work with Aeon for barely a week and has alrady travelled to JB to check our store that. I am now in the fashion line where colours, fabrics, innovation and being in the trend would be the greatest assets. I am a merchandiser.. I thought my job was only buying the right clothes.. But I was wrong .. sometimes you have to design youe collection and signature... It is a hectic job but fun .. I get to wear/try on new designs to ensure that the fitting/ size is wearable. My manager Cherie asked me whether I have good luck. She said she has good luck. I told her i can pray for miracle. The same thing I told Haniza.. to ask from god for things you want in life.......... My only hope that my line Arcadia will blossom in the next five months. By the way some staff was joking whether I can last that long in this line.. only time will tell. Till then I pray I will learn everything quickly and be passionate bout the job...

Before I forgot my mum has also been supportive to me by cooking the white carrot soup and boiling the barley for me..She has promised me that things will get better but first I must take care of myself and wake up from my own misery. I do not want to trouble her anymore...

Leaving stamford College:-

Stamford students also have been very kind . Aven bought me a set of Calvin Klein perfume and thanking me many times and asking me to take care of myself. Thank you HTM Sem 3 students for buying me food when I did not eat for 5 days back in April. Thank you to Lily and June for being understanding and believing in me. Thank you DCA Sem 3 and especially Suria who bought me foor for my 9.00 o'clock classes. Thank you HTM Sem 2 boys who always have political and religious debate with me during accounting class which they often complain can be a bit boring. Thank you DES Sem 4 students who threw a farewell ceremony during their class termination party at the Happening Bistro at Jalan Imbi. I must say the food was fabulous. They bought this "Chocolate Indulgence" cake from Secret Recipe. I hurt my upper lip as I was head banging with my students . The guitarist guitar got me.. The song that was playing "It's my life- Bon Jovi"

To my fellow colleagues of three years; Choong aka Mrs Wong now, Ruzy- we used to eat at the 9th floor toilet when we were not fastins. I will miss our shopping trip to Sogo, Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman and The Mall. Pn siti who is like my elder sister who cannot stop lecturing me on taking care of myself. I got fed up and called her my third doctor in charge. Nevertheless during her visit and she came with Choong I was giggling hard and the patient next to me who was trying to sleep was not able to do so. Thank you Kalai aka Datuk K for coming to visit me at late night. I almost screamed from the top of my lungs as I thought he was trying to kill me. Thank you Mr. Mohan who gave me moral support.. you are like a father that I never had. He gave me the pros and cons of living Stamford and joining Aeon. I will miss Suhaily who is now in charge of School of Accounting. She showed me the way to ask helf from god. She made me believe that there will be a time my prayers will be answered and never give up. Nazlina has been closed to me this past two months. Mrs. Haema who visited at the hospital. She used to be my boss and the person interviewed me three years back.

I am sad to leave Stamford and will miss my friends and students. I hope I made the right choice.. I look forward for changes in my life good or bad. I am not afraid anymore...Miss Lee my director believe that one day I will be a CEO (kind of unexpected remark). She told me I was beautiful and intelligent and that I will be somebody.. I do not know what made her make these remarks. May be because both of us was leaving Stamford on the same day and she was hugging me and I could almost see her eyes glittering with a site of baby tears. You see she never cried and she was our iron lady. She was worried that she did not visit me in the hospital and called many times to ask me about my condition.

So many emotions swirling inside me right now.. I want to stop but tonight I can't. Not tonight.

A poetry perhaps?

What is life with dissapointments is no life at all?

When rules made only one way street..

What is life when there is no will to live?

Is just wasting away..

What is life without love?

Is also about other things good in life....

Cry for help

help thy self

Too many times has the heart bleed

Heal thy self

For living is not about two beings

Living is the universe

many others in much more worse state

never fall in battle ahead

Rise from defeat

Rise from hell

As you still have your two bloody feet

Need not bleed no more

Life is too short for sorrow

Tomorrow will be a better day

So everybody hope..

Don't think about unkept promises

Think about the future

As tomorrow never dies...........