My defeat and the road to greater things…
Today happy news and sad one was announced. Somehow, I felt defeated and constrained. I was wondering, what is to become of myself? To a certain extent my freedom is somewhat nonexistent. Maybe, I am being melodramatic here due to a sad song being the background while I am writing this entry.. (Sayangnya harapan yang selama ini ku bawa hancur berkecai semuanya.. belum sempat ku curah kasihku.. kau pergi jua.. setelah cintaku ini membara.. belum sempat kucurah kasihku) Oops don’t get me wrong I am saddened since my godfather passed away last Sunday. My beloved Cikgu Ridhwan who was my shoulder to cry on when my father passed away… Weeks and weeks of counselling for me. Those who knew me back then knew what a wrecked teenager I was. Zaini, Faridah, Lan Mi, Che Det, Izzat, Adlan, Raja Ahmad and Kak Ina knew my transitions. How hard it was for me to get in terms with father’s death.. Weeks and weeks of crying and panadol pills as well…..
Now , the only person I am proud to call dad who had able to change me and other teenagers (The wild ones- we often break every rule there was in school- including ponteng sekolah- The only thing I did not try get hooked on was smoking..) is gone. It is already written in (I forgot the Arabic term) everything that lives will eventually go.. Can I get over this one so easily.. I doubt so.. Nothing is easy.. I was asking myself didn’t I pray for his well being.. I was told that he had mentioned me and friends a few days before his passing and that he missed us. I had promised myself to visit him that Sunday but it was too late. He looked fragile and thin and it broke my heart to see him that way. I am too absorb in my own problems ..too blind to see that he needed me like I always needed him. For him, I am still his 15 year old student.. He used to ask questions like 1/0 is how much…??? You will get many answers like 0 or 1.. I remembered only Izzat was able to answer – The answer to that question was infinity.. maybe Raja Ahmad was able to answer (he joined the tuition centre later). These people used to be in Math quizzes and competition. Not to forget, Mafeitzral and Surina among the geniuses I know. Haniza may have not mention your name here although you got best student during your varsity final year. I always admire smart people and the way they solve mathematical problems like eating chocolate mud pie..Yummy!! Which reminds me to get some tomorrow night. Hahaha..
We use to hang out in the tuition centre back then which was located as the same row as the 7-eleven back in 1990’s. I go there in the morning and only comes home at night.. I live and study there. The tuition centre was a second home to me.. Later when we were hungry we hang out at the ‘mapele’ . I was really motivated to study and improve myself to prove to others that I was not a total failure… The place made me forgot my personal problems and kept me going… Faridah and I used to exchange stories and latest gossips… (I was in Sri Aman Girls School and she was Damansara Jaya Secondary School). Lots of great memories and promises was exchanged there.. All the time he was there to lead us…. I felt valued and given a new direction.. I know many others felt the same as I do..as we were not prefects of the school.. we were not the glamorous group. Some of us was on the verge of dropping out from school but we did not.. Instead we focus on being better. One of the function I participated was poetry recital at the Dataran Merdeka an activity organized by ABIM. We were happy.. Faridah was happy..Zaini was too. Lots of talk of becoming an entrepreneur back then.. Now he is one… I have great respect for him. This people are real friends and real friends are very hard to find nowadays. We will be bonded till we are old.. We are proud to be part of the group. The only regret is we did not have time to be with him. We were his golden era his golden product.. Back then, many boarding school and MRSM students will come and take tuition classes during our semester break.. Classes were enjoyable and laughter can be heard. If I could turn back time and redo things .. maybe things would have been different… But I could not….. More regrets……. I believe that what goes around comes around.
I feel like I am an orphan again. I know I promise to myself to stop crying but losing a father again makes me vulnerable all over. Makes me want to jump from the highest building.. makes me angry at life….Why him? With so many bad news happening to me why him why not me.. I am tired with life.. frustrated with life.. no more high expectations.. But there must be some greatness in every tragedy.. Where is mine? What is the next bad news? With my kidney sometimes like being kicked at or pinched I may take things as they come.. I missed him already and terribly.. Life can be unfair and cruel sometimes.. I am still waiting for the silver lining but not with high hopes.. I guess I have to redha with what is happening around me. Too many sad stories and not enough love song to tell the story.. here we go again.. We are not doing Nora Roberts here.. Though I have not touched a romance novel since May cause I don’t believe in any of it and so does a friend of mine. If this is as good as it gets lets just enjoy and pray.. What is success without failure.. All in all is part of the learning curve.. There is no ceteris paribus. No fixed value. Everything is interdependent variable. That is why we cannot tell what is the future in front of us.. Ever wonder whether one day you will get to be a CEO of a company.??. I know I have.. Maybe one day that path to greatness I will be able to reach that dream… I know Allah listen to me .. The things I asked for to have insight of things .. I have witness and saw things that I wish to see.. That is how great Allah the Almighty.. It is worrying to witness the revenge state of the heart… I only ask that those who have sweetly promise me things but did not deliver will be shown the right path. The right path will show us of being humble, sober, patient, and love… Also be careful of what you wish for.. As for now it is getting late.. and I have not done my prayers.. will blogg more next week with pictures of me and family..
Allah will give me strength to survive and I will face this world with a greater dignity everyday of my remaining life onwards…Goodbye my father, my strength, my will.. May come new greatness and happiness…Amin…Al-Fatihah.. may Allah bless his soul… He will be in the heart many others who was once and forever his students.. One of its kind.. No replacement… no comparison…and still learning everyday…Mumtaz…
Masih ku tak dapat melupakan segala,
Kau yang masih di hati,
Tidak terdaya melidung darimu,
Setelah kau pergi,
Tidak ada apa di hati ini
Namun kau tak mengerti
Apa yang sebenarnya terjadi
Pada diri ini,
Tidak terdaya melindung diri
Semoga kau aman di sana
Di dunia yang kekal
Setelah kau pergi
Tiada apa di hati ini.
Berdosa aku kerana lalai,
Berdosa aku kerana lemah,
Akan ku cuba ubah
Tidak ada apa di hati ini
Masa telah terbeku bagiku
Tiada pilihan bagiku
Redhaku kau pergi
Diriku pasrah akan ketentuan ini
Tidak ada apa di hati ini…
Janganlah ku dihukum begini
Hanya doa yang terdaya
Tapi takkan lemah lagi
Tidak ada apa di hati ini..
Masih ku tidak dapat melupakan segala………….
Kasih mu abadi
Begitu juga cintaku
Ingatanku
Masa kan sudah terbeku
Jiwaku…
Today happy news and sad one was announced. Somehow, I felt defeated and constrained. I was wondering, what is to become of myself? To a certain extent my freedom is somewhat nonexistent. Maybe, I am being melodramatic here due to a sad song being the background while I am writing this entry.. (Sayangnya harapan yang selama ini ku bawa hancur berkecai semuanya.. belum sempat ku curah kasihku.. kau pergi jua.. setelah cintaku ini membara.. belum sempat kucurah kasihku) Oops don’t get me wrong I am saddened since my godfather passed away last Sunday. My beloved Cikgu Ridhwan who was my shoulder to cry on when my father passed away… Weeks and weeks of counselling for me. Those who knew me back then knew what a wrecked teenager I was. Zaini, Faridah, Lan Mi, Che Det, Izzat, Adlan, Raja Ahmad and Kak Ina knew my transitions. How hard it was for me to get in terms with father’s death.. Weeks and weeks of crying and panadol pills as well…..
Now , the only person I am proud to call dad who had able to change me and other teenagers (The wild ones- we often break every rule there was in school- including ponteng sekolah- The only thing I did not try get hooked on was smoking..) is gone. It is already written in (I forgot the Arabic term) everything that lives will eventually go.. Can I get over this one so easily.. I doubt so.. Nothing is easy.. I was asking myself didn’t I pray for his well being.. I was told that he had mentioned me and friends a few days before his passing and that he missed us. I had promised myself to visit him that Sunday but it was too late. He looked fragile and thin and it broke my heart to see him that way. I am too absorb in my own problems ..too blind to see that he needed me like I always needed him. For him, I am still his 15 year old student.. He used to ask questions like 1/0 is how much…??? You will get many answers like 0 or 1.. I remembered only Izzat was able to answer – The answer to that question was infinity.. maybe Raja Ahmad was able to answer (he joined the tuition centre later). These people used to be in Math quizzes and competition. Not to forget, Mafeitzral and Surina among the geniuses I know. Haniza may have not mention your name here although you got best student during your varsity final year. I always admire smart people and the way they solve mathematical problems like eating chocolate mud pie..Yummy!! Which reminds me to get some tomorrow night. Hahaha..
We use to hang out in the tuition centre back then which was located as the same row as the 7-eleven back in 1990’s. I go there in the morning and only comes home at night.. I live and study there. The tuition centre was a second home to me.. Later when we were hungry we hang out at the ‘mapele’ . I was really motivated to study and improve myself to prove to others that I was not a total failure… The place made me forgot my personal problems and kept me going… Faridah and I used to exchange stories and latest gossips… (I was in Sri Aman Girls School and she was Damansara Jaya Secondary School). Lots of great memories and promises was exchanged there.. All the time he was there to lead us…. I felt valued and given a new direction.. I know many others felt the same as I do..as we were not prefects of the school.. we were not the glamorous group. Some of us was on the verge of dropping out from school but we did not.. Instead we focus on being better. One of the function I participated was poetry recital at the Dataran Merdeka an activity organized by ABIM. We were happy.. Faridah was happy..Zaini was too. Lots of talk of becoming an entrepreneur back then.. Now he is one… I have great respect for him. This people are real friends and real friends are very hard to find nowadays. We will be bonded till we are old.. We are proud to be part of the group. The only regret is we did not have time to be with him. We were his golden era his golden product.. Back then, many boarding school and MRSM students will come and take tuition classes during our semester break.. Classes were enjoyable and laughter can be heard. If I could turn back time and redo things .. maybe things would have been different… But I could not….. More regrets……. I believe that what goes around comes around.
I feel like I am an orphan again. I know I promise to myself to stop crying but losing a father again makes me vulnerable all over. Makes me want to jump from the highest building.. makes me angry at life….Why him? With so many bad news happening to me why him why not me.. I am tired with life.. frustrated with life.. no more high expectations.. But there must be some greatness in every tragedy.. Where is mine? What is the next bad news? With my kidney sometimes like being kicked at or pinched I may take things as they come.. I missed him already and terribly.. Life can be unfair and cruel sometimes.. I am still waiting for the silver lining but not with high hopes.. I guess I have to redha with what is happening around me. Too many sad stories and not enough love song to tell the story.. here we go again.. We are not doing Nora Roberts here.. Though I have not touched a romance novel since May cause I don’t believe in any of it and so does a friend of mine. If this is as good as it gets lets just enjoy and pray.. What is success without failure.. All in all is part of the learning curve.. There is no ceteris paribus. No fixed value. Everything is interdependent variable. That is why we cannot tell what is the future in front of us.. Ever wonder whether one day you will get to be a CEO of a company.??. I know I have.. Maybe one day that path to greatness I will be able to reach that dream… I know Allah listen to me .. The things I asked for to have insight of things .. I have witness and saw things that I wish to see.. That is how great Allah the Almighty.. It is worrying to witness the revenge state of the heart… I only ask that those who have sweetly promise me things but did not deliver will be shown the right path. The right path will show us of being humble, sober, patient, and love… Also be careful of what you wish for.. As for now it is getting late.. and I have not done my prayers.. will blogg more next week with pictures of me and family..
Allah will give me strength to survive and I will face this world with a greater dignity everyday of my remaining life onwards…Goodbye my father, my strength, my will.. May come new greatness and happiness…Amin…Al-Fatihah.. may Allah bless his soul… He will be in the heart many others who was once and forever his students.. One of its kind.. No replacement… no comparison…and still learning everyday…Mumtaz…
Masih ku tak dapat melupakan segala,
Kau yang masih di hati,
Tidak terdaya melidung darimu,
Setelah kau pergi,
Tidak ada apa di hati ini
Namun kau tak mengerti
Apa yang sebenarnya terjadi
Pada diri ini,
Tidak terdaya melindung diri
Semoga kau aman di sana
Di dunia yang kekal
Setelah kau pergi
Tiada apa di hati ini.
Berdosa aku kerana lalai,
Berdosa aku kerana lemah,
Akan ku cuba ubah
Tidak ada apa di hati ini
Masa telah terbeku bagiku
Tiada pilihan bagiku
Redhaku kau pergi
Diriku pasrah akan ketentuan ini
Tidak ada apa di hati ini…
Janganlah ku dihukum begini
Hanya doa yang terdaya
Tapi takkan lemah lagi
Tidak ada apa di hati ini..
Masih ku tidak dapat melupakan segala………….
Kasih mu abadi
Begitu juga cintaku
Ingatanku
Masa kan sudah terbeku
Jiwaku…
posted by Rozita ayu @ 12:10 AM
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