My istikharah prayers and my path

Tonight there is not much to write except for I will pray istikharah sunat prayers for a few night to seek answers ... for my future and the right thing to do... I have been afraid to do this prayers for the past few months.. Afraid for the unknown.. This entry is to remind me and to tell myself not to be afraid anymore. Questions like must I put up with other people's handphone with password while mine is always available to be looked at...?? Everyone wants happy ending.. but mine still bleeding and I think I have grew stronger over the past few months..Allah is fair what goes around comes around.. There is no need to hide anymore... No rosy pictures in my blog. Its meant for the truth.. aka transparency.. I am not a saint neither I am the devil.. but I pray always.. I don't pretend... I wear clothes sometimes a little sexy does not mean I lost direction. I think about god every time. Can we claim we are muslims and forget our foundation for being a muslim? Can we judge other people negativity while we ourselves not perfect.. ?? Can we ask for forgiveness in the morning of syawal and hands to shake taken away just in a jiffy? We can only try our best and hope for the best... Syawal come and syawal goes.. Does it only for visiting and getting duit raya?? Isn't it for forgiveness..? Then why is my heart still bleeding? I don't have the answer to that.. maybe the prayers will show me the path... Amin